Biological Clock Anxiety
Biological Clock Anxiety
Think through All Your Options
Should you have a baby? If so, why and when? To women in their thirties and forties, these questions loom large. If you're 35 or 40 and single, you may also ask how. While the odds vary from woman to woman, the likelihood of conceiving and delivering a healthy child declines appreciably after 35 and more so after 40.
Some of us hear our biological clocks ticking loudly and still aren't sure whether motherhood is for us. Others know that it is but don't have willing partners. Still others are trying to conceive and having trouble.
The resulting anxiety can be so intense that we're distracted from other things that matter, like our jobs and relationships, says Vicki Rachlin, Ph.D., a child and family psychologist in private practice in Concord, New Hampshire. Sometimes there is an accompanying fear that, under pressure, we'll decide to have a baby when we shouldn't, or with someone who isn't right.
When To See A Doctor
Worrying about whether you can or should have a child can take over your life if you let it. Therapy and support groups can help you cope with these difficulties, says psychologist Laura Barbanel, Ed.D., head of the graduate program at the Brooklyn College School of Psychology. You may benefit from therapy or outside support if: * Anxiety is interfering with your job or relationships. * Your partner doesn't want a child, you do and you're torn apart by the choice you face. * You've thought about becoming pregnant despite your partner's objections or misgivings. * Unsuccessful efforts to conceive are leaving you extremely depressed or burned out. To find a support group near you, write to RESOLVE, an organization for women contemplating motherhood, at 130 Broadway, Somerville, MA 02145.
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PRACTICE THOUGHT CONTROL You can't slow down your biological clock, but you can manage the stress while pondering your options. Here's what the experts suggest.
Go ahead and worry--once a day. To keep the anxiety from taking over your life, confine your worry to a 30-minute block of time once a day or once a week, suggests Susan G. Mikesell, Ph.D., a psychologist in Washington, D.C., and a consulting psychologist for the Montgomery Fertility Institute in Bethesda, Maryland. Devote this half-hour to mulling over the consequences of your decisions. "This helps you contain the anxiety," she says. "It gives you some control."
Reflect, don't obsess. "Don't get stuck trying to catalog all the pros and cons of parenthood--'We can find day care, but we'll have less money'--that sort of thing," Dr. Rachlin says. "If you do, you'll go crazy, because the pros and cons balance each other out. Instead, think about parenthood at a deeper, emotional level. Ask yourself, 'How much do I want to have the experience of being a parent?'"
This isn't the same as asking, "How much do I want to be pregnant?" cautions Dr. Mikesell. Some women want to experience pregnancy but aren't excited by the prospect of 20 years of feeding, clothing, disciplining, teaching, comforting and nurturing a child.
"You may want to ask yourself, 'When I get to menopause, will I feel complete even if I never had a pregnancy or if I never had a child?'" says Dr. Mikesell. "The way you answer these questions tells you different things."
Ride out the ambivalent moments. Even women with intense baby lust--the ones who gaze longingly at every child they see--have ambivalent moments. That's natural, says Dr. Rachlin. "If you think about the startling responsibility that being a parent entails and the dramatic ways that it changes your life, a certain degree of ambivalence is healthy."
Ask your partner what he really wants. Make certain that the prospective father has realistic expectations, advises Dr. Rachlin. Face it: Once you have a baby, you'll no longer be able to take off for the weekend or go to the movies at a moment's notice. And you'll have less money to spend on yourselves. "Talk about those scenarios," she says.
Above all, realize that a child is not the prescription for an ailing relationship. In fact, a baby can sound the death knell for a sickly relationship, because parenting can be so stressful.
Give it time. If your partner is dead set against having children, don't force the issue, says Dr. Mikesell. "I try to steer people away from hoping or trying to convince the other person. Sometimes that happens, but usually, he has to make that shift of his own accord."
If you're holding out for a change of heart, she suggests giving yourself a deadline. When the deadline arrives, though, be prepared for a truly heart-wrenching decision. You may have to decide what's more important to you--the baby or the relationship.
Whatever you do, says Dr. Mikesell, don't get pregnant "accidentally"--it may be tempting, but it's a bad idea.
If you've suffered a loss, wait. The desire for a baby can be most intense after suffering a loss--the end of a relationship or a job, says psychologist Laura Barbanel, Ed.D., head of the graduate program at the Brooklyn College School of Psychology. So you have to distinguish between wanting to be a parent and wanting something to make up for the loss.
Look forward, not back. Trying to conceive without success can be one of the most stressful, heartbreaking experiences in a woman's life, says Dr. Mikesell. Some women blame themselves or their partners for not starting earlier. Women who had abortions when they were younger may feel overcome with regret.
It's important to remember that you had good reasons for making the decisions you made, Dr. Mikesell says. Your circumstances were different. Maybe you and your partner decided to wait because you weren't able to support a baby. Don't lose sight of that.
