Birthday Blues

Birthday Blues

Forget Regrets and Forge Ahead

Someone once quipped that considering the alternative, birthdays aren't so bad. Still, many women find their birthdays bittersweet--or downright upsetting.

There's no denying it: A birthday means that we're one year older. In a culture that seems to worship youth, we can all be affected at some time in our lives.

Surprisingly, our first brush with the birthday blues may come as early as age 18--childhood's end, says Marion Hart, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at Cornell Medical Center and an adult and child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst in Scarsdale, New York. We may run into them again at 21, as an "official grown-up." But as they say, old is a state of mind. Dr. Hart recalls one woman who arrived for an appointment feeling blue and explained that she'd just hit "The Big 2-3."

Though 30 is still relatively young, Dr. Hart and others say that it's the birthday many women mind the most. By the time we've reached 30, we've already made some of life's big decisions--about careers and relationships--and sometimes, those plans haven't panned out.

On our fortieth birthdays we begin to anticipate the end of fertility, says Dr. Hart. For many women birthdays from age 45 through 50 or so coincide with physical and emotional changes associated with premenopause. And midlife is yet another natural time for taking stock and making choices.

COMMISERATE OR CELEBRATE?

Just about any birthday can nudge us into taking stock, says Carol Goldberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in stress management in New York City. We compare where we are with where we thought we'd be at whatever age we've reached. If we haven't accomplished what we'd hoped, we may feel disappointed.

Women doctors offer these suggestions for seeing birthdays in a rosier hue.

Count yourself in good company. "It helps to remind yourself that the birthday blues aren't at all unusual," says Dr. Hart. "Most people celebrate with a bit of sadness." So if you're sad, that's okay--let yourself be sad. There is no reason to feel embarrassed or vain.

To party or not to party. If you really don't want a birthday party, give advance warning to the people most likely to try to throw one for you, says Dr. Goldberg. Thank them nicely for their offer and tell them that you appreciate the gesture, but you prefer not to celebrate with a party.

If you didn't get word out in time and your spouse, family, friends or co-workers spring for a birthday bash, be a good sport whether you're delighted or not, says Dr. Goldberg. Focus on the fact that you're with a group of people who really like you and not on the fact that you're a year older.

It could be just what the doctor ordered, says Dr. Hart. "Gathering with supportive people, having a good time and joking about birthdays is part of sharing--a way to get through what can be a difficult time."

If you feel like celebrating, but no one knows that it's your birthday, or if nothing is planned, call an impromptu party. Invite your friends out to dinner or drinks, says Dr. Hart. Say, "Today is my birthday, and I'd love to celebrate with you."

Buy yourself a birthday present. No matter how many years it's been, herald your birthday with a gift to yourself--a compact disc, a massage, a day at a spa, tickets to the opera or that weekend getaway that you've been wanting to take, suggests Dr. Hart.

Rethink your goals. If you're feeling down because you haven't yet accomplished what you expected to by your current age, you can explore a few options, says Dr. Goldberg. One, ask yourself if it really matters after all. Two, ask yourself if your expectations are realistic. If they are realistic and you still care, then figure out what you can do to boost your odds of reaching your goals. To find a soul mate, for example, you may need to get out and meet men who share your interests--on a Sierra Club hike, at the local coffee house or at the baseball stadium. To further your career, you may need to attend night school or learn a new skill. To improve your financial situation, you could bone up on financial planning or investment management.

Have no regrets. Those of us with the most regrets often find birthdays hardest to handle, says Dr. Hart. Some of the decisions that you regret--like leaving an old boyfriend 20 years ago--can't be undone. So forget about it. For other decisions, it's never too late to reconsider. If you regret not finishing your college education, for example, finish it now. "I know several women in their fifties and sixties who just graduated from college," she says.

Count your achievements. Instead of spending your birthday cataloging all the things that you wish you had done, start cataloging all the things that you have done, says Dr. Hart. "And recognize that it's not possible to do everything."

Remember: It's only one day. "The birthday blues are usually short-lived," says Dr. Hart. "Many people who feel down on their birthdays find that they feel happier the next day."