Anger

Anger

Manage Your Temper
before It Manages You

Perhaps you've heard or read that women are uncomfortable with anger, find it hard to acknowledge their anger and have more trouble handling it. Researchers, however, are finding otherwise.

"Women are just as able to acknowledge anger as men are," says June Price Tangney, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and associate professor at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, and co-author of Self-Conscious Emotions. "We've also found that women are more likely to take constructive approaches to handling anger--like sitting down and talking it over--than men are."

Handling anger constructively is no small feat. As emotions go, anger is pretty intense. Situations that ignite anger--being blamed for something that's not your fault, for example, or being lied to--trigger the flight-or-fight-response, a complex reaction to stress that results in a release of adrenaline, increased heartbeat and other physiological reactions. When angered, our bodies are primed to either duke it out or run for our lives.

HANDLE HOSTILITY

"Most often, anger is functional--a sign that something needs to be changed. It's not a bad emotion; there is nothing wrong with feeling anger."

There are right and wrong ways to handle anger, say researchers. Here's what to do.

First, do nothing. If you don't feel as effective at diffusing anger as you would like, stop the moment that you feel your pulse quicken with anger, and do nothing until you've had some time to think, says Dr. Heitler.

Waiting a moment isn't the same as stuffing anger. "Stuffing is ignoring the problem," she says. "I'm saying stop and think, and then address the problem."

Admit that you're angry. Don't bottle up your anger; you'll feel resentful, says Renana Brooks, Ph.D., a family and clinical psychologist and director of the Sommet Institute in Washington, D.C. Don't blow up, either. That usually escalates tension and leads to more anger.

The ideal approach is to express anger in a reasoned way that leads to change, not to hold it in or explode. Studies suggest that people who habitually suppress or vent their anger run a greater risk of heart disease, chronic aches and pains, suppressed immunity and other health problems.

Leave the scene, mentally or physically. If you overhear your co-workers saying something nasty about you in the cafeteria, head for the women's room or the parking lot for a few minutes, suggests Dr. Brooks. If your boss criticizes you in the middle of a meeting--when you can't very well get up and leave--envision yourself leaving the room for a calmer setting.

Get perspective. Ask yourself exactly what made you angry, says Dr. Tangney. "Consider the other person's intentions, what extraneous variables might have figured into the situation at hand and what your contribution (if any) may have been." This alone may diffuse your anger.

If someone cuts you off on the highway, for instance, consider the possibility that she might be rushing home to care for a sick child, or that you might have been driving too slowly.

Speak up. After you've taken some time to get some perspective, talk it out, says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Denver and author of the audiotape Conflict Resolution. Speak calmly and choose your words carefully. Avoid statements like "You made me angry." Blaming remarks like this put the other person on the defensive, which only makes resolution more difficult.

Reason with yourself. Sometimes you can't tell the other person whom you're angry with that you're angry with her. You can't hash it out with the driver who cut you off, or with your elderly mother who is ill with Alzheimer's disease or with your temperamental boss who just chewed you out in public.

When it comes to your mother, reason may be the best balm. "Reminding yourself that she really doesn't have control over what she's saying can help diffuse the anger," says Dr. Brooks.

How can you get past your angry feelings toward your boss?

"If someone dumps on you inappropriately, it helps to realize that there's something wrong with her, and not you," says Dr. Heitler. "You may have been making some mistake, but that's not a reason for her to dump anger--she could politely inform you."

Sweat it. Since situations that anger us trigger a powerful physical reaction, getting out and moving your muscles with brisk exercise can do much to help alleviate angry feelings. When researchers at two California universities asked 308 men and women what they did to improve bad moods, the most popular answer was "Exercise."