Physical and Emotional Abuse

Physical and Emotional Abuse

You Don't Have to
Take It Anymore

It looked like a scene from a soap opera. The young woman wearing cut-offs and a white T-shirt was screaming as her ex-husband dragged her from the convenience store sidewalk toward his car.

"Please!" the woman begged as her former spouse opened the car door and shoved her into the driver's seat. "Somebody help!"

An older woman who'd been about to walk into the store hesitated, then took a few steps toward the curb. When the young woman frantically jerked away from her ex and slid toward the passenger's door, the older woman took two swift steps toward the car and wrenched open the door.

The ex-husband grabbed his former wife's shirt and held on. But the two women were stronger. The shirt ripped and the older woman slammed the door on the ex's hand. The two women ran into the convenience store, past a half-dozen startled customers and into the employees' bathroom.

There they stayed, protected by a dead-bolted steel door, until the police arrived four minutes later.

The young woman was lucky. Most abuse takes place in the privacy of the home, where there is little help for the victim. But the problem has reached such epidemic proportions that today it spills out onto public streets and malls.

One-fifth to one-third of all American women will be physically assaulted by a current or former partner within their lifetime, reports the American Medical Association. Two million women will be assaulted each year, and nearly half of them will be beaten three or more times within a 12-month period. Thirty-three to 46 percent will be sexually assaulted as well.

These numbers are just the tip of the iceberg. Most violence against women is not reported, and little is done to uncover it. Women are afraid of retribution, and the doctors and police officers who come to their aid simply do not ask what caused their injuries, experts say. As a result, the abuse continues. Studies indicate that abused women represent one-quarter to one-third of all women requiring emergency room treatment and 50 percent of all women who are slain in the United States.

Who's at Risk?

Every woman is at risk of being abused sometime during her life. But women who were abused as children and women who witnessed their mothers being abused have the highest risk, experts agree.

Children who are spanked, beaten and belittled "learn abuse is acceptable, that abuse is part of love and that a woman who stays in an abusive relationship is powerless to stop it," explains Leah J. Dickstein, M.D., professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Louisville School of Medicine in Kentucky. And kids who grow up watching their moms being hit grow up with a distorted perception of gender roles and how family members relate to one another.

Girls absorb the message that you just grin and bear it when you're hit, while boys absorb the message that hitting by men may be appropriate behavior to show love and power in relationships.

Other than those who grew up in an abusive home, women who are most likely to be abused are single, separated or divorced and between the ages of 17 and 28. They are more likely to be abused if their partner is jealous or possessive and if either they or their partner uses drugs or alcohol.

What Is Abuse?

Although most of us picture broken bones, black eyes and bruises when we think of abused women, abuse can be sexual or emotional as well.

Sexual abuse is intercourse without a woman's consent, penetration with objects, forcing a woman to have sex with other people or forcing a woman to watch pornography, says Charlotte Watson, a nationally known expert on abuse and executive director of My Sisters' Place, a battered women's program in Westchester County, New York.

Refusing to use or refusing to allow a woman to use prophylactics to protect herself against sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy is also sexual abuse, as is sexual activity that occurs when a woman is not fully conscious.

Emotional abuse is more complex, adds Watson. Men who are extremely jealous or possessive or who insist on controlling household finances are emotionally abusive. Those who humiliate their partner through insults, criticism, constant interruptions, lying and refusing to listen are emotionally abusive. Depriving a woman of access to her children or to sleep, clothing, food or transportation is also emotional abuse, and men who play mind games or set up situations in which a woman tends to doubt her own perceptions are abusers.

The result? While physical and sexual abuse can land a woman in the hospital, the constant terror and self-doubt women experience from emotional abuse may result in serious health problems such as eating disorders, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, insomnia and stress-related rashes, muscle spasms and digestive problems.

It can also cause feelings of worthlessness, shame and self-loathing, which in turn may lead to suicide or drug and alcohol abuse as a desperate attempt to alleviate emotional pain.

Unfortunately, an abusive partner may encourage a woman to use drugs and alcohol as a way to keep her "calm."

Why Do Men Beat Women?

"Men don't learn to communicate vulnerable feelings verbally when they're little boys," says Dr. Dickstein. Instead some boys learn that aggression--hitting, cursing, shoving and pushing--often helps them get what they want. They learn that in the short term, bullying, threatening and hurting are the fastest and safest routes to immediate gratification and feeling powerful.

Beating a woman and putting her down indicates a pathological need to dominate and coercively control another individual, says Evan Stark, Ph.D., co-founder of the Domestic Violence Training Project in New Haven, Connecticut, and associate professor of public administration and social work at Rutgers University in Newark, New Jersey.

What's more, when men are abusive, friends and family often excuse his actions by sympathetically clucking, "He was under stress," or "She should have known not to make him angry," says Watson.

Watson believes that violence against women will never be quelled until this type of subtly destructive behavior carries the same social stigma that has gradually come to be associated with drunk driving: Only jerks do it.

How do you change an attitude? Whenever it's expressed, in word or deed, you challenge it, says Watson. "When the life of the party comes over and the brunt of all his jokes is his wife, you have to say 'You can't do that here.' "

Why Do Women Stay?

Historically, men were allowed to beat their wives as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb, says Watson. It wasn't until about 20 years ago that abused women in the United States had the option of pressing charges against their batterers in criminal court. Clergy, courts and even the women's families believed domestic violence to be a private matter between husband and wife. Women who complained about being treated badly would be told by their families, "You made your bed, now lie in it."

"Women tend to minimize the violence they endure," says Julie Blackman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and forensic consultant in Montclair, New Jersey. A woman may have many reasons to remain with a man who humiliates or degrades her, Watson says. She may believe she loves him, or she may need his paycheck to support her and their children.

Fear of repercussions is also a factor. "The system has been so nonresponsive, women historically have seen no value in reporting their abuse. Or they think 'If I tell, it could get worse,' " Watson says.

What Can Women Do?

The only thing a woman can do in any abusive situation is leave, experts agree.

"Studies have shown mediation is a waste of time," says Dr. Dickstein. "It doesn't work." An abused woman may be afraid to discuss the problem with her partner because he might later become violent. And counseling with an assailant is potentially dangerous.

But leaving may also be dangerous. "There is a 75 percent increase in the likelihood of being murdered while a woman is in the process of leaving or has left," says Dr. Dickstein. That's why it must be planned with the utmost care. A woman who is parting from a man who uses drugs or alcohol, threatens to kill her or commit suicide, has or threatens to use weapons or flatly refuses to let her go should take special precautions to ensure her safety, suggest Ann Jones and Susan Schechter in When Love Goes Wrong.

Here are some steps you can take to safely free yourself.

Set up a signal. Tell a sympathetic neighbor that you'll send a particular signal--a curtain that's normally open suddenly being shut, for example--to call police if you're in danger, experts suggest.

Hold a fire drill. If you have children, give them a "fire drill" that will show them what to do if your batterer turns on you and explodes. The kids should be taught how to quickly get out of the house through a variety of exits and told to which neighbors or relatives they should run.

"People say doing this scares kids," says Watson. "But the kids are already scared. They feel more secure having a plan of action and knowing what to do."

Heed your instincts. If you're feeling afraid and becoming isolated from friends and family, and you feel like you're walking on eggshells when he's around, it's probably time to get out, says Dr. Stark. Don't wait until the police have to take you to the emergency room, he advises. Women who have not yet been repeatedly abused are in better physical and emotional shape to help themselves.

Assemble a safety kit. It's also useful to surreptitiously put together a "safety kit" for a fast getaway. The kit should include school records for the kids, Social Security cards, copies of birth certificates, prescription medications, any money you're able to set aside and an address book with all your important phone numbers and contacts. Store it in a place you can get to once you leave the house. Some experts recommend keeping money and a spare set of house keys hidden somewhere in the car. But do this only if your abuser doesn't make a habit of sifting through things to check up on you.

Find an advocate. Before you leave, ask the local police department where you can find an advocate, which is the term used by social service workers to describe counselors who specialize in helping battered women. Advocates can help you find money, housing, emotional support and transitional shelters, says Angela Browne, Ph.D., a psychiatrist at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center in Boston. They also know their way around the judicial system, so they can help you gain custody of your children and preserve your rights toward any property you may own with your partner.

Find a refuge. The addresses of women's shelters are not revealed to the public, so you should ask your advocate or police department for the location of one in your community. Be aware that you may encounter many frustrations--every bureaucracy has red tape, and abuse is so epidemic that sometimes shelters are full.

Document your abuse. Assemble a record of evidence regarding your abuse. Have a friend or preferably a doctor or hospital worker take pictures of any new bruises, black eyes and other injuries and write the date right on the photo. Even if you don't want to press charges against your batterer at the time, the evidence may come in handy at a later date.

Have your batterer arrested. You are the best judge of whether involving the police is likely to quell your partner's violence or escalate it. But research shows that arrest works best for men who have "something to lose," like a job or reputation.

"Sometimes arrest can be a miracle cure, particularly if the court and the district attorney give the same message," says Dr. Stark.

It gives the woman some space to make a decision about what to do next, and it gives batterers a message, that their behavior is illegal and intolerable.

If you have your batterer arrested, ask to speak to a police officer or supervisor who will help you find an advocate.

One caveat: If a woman is really in danger, she should be in a secret, safe shelter with her children before pressing charges.

Join a support group. Participating in a support group--usually offered free or on a sliding fee scale through local shelters--to talk about abuse issues is one of the best possible therapies. Talking to other women breaks down the isolation abused women feel, reassures women that they are not crazy and helps women learn from other women in various stages of recovery from violence, Watson says.

Don't go back. Most women leave several times before making a final break, says Watson. The first few times they may go back for emotional reasons such as wanting to "save" the family or because they hope their partner will change. The next few times they may not want to go back but fear that they can't escape without being found or that they may not be able to support themselves and their kids.

But no woman should return to an abusive mate once she's gotten away, experts agree. Instead, you have to recognize that in most cases, abuse follows a distinct cycle. In phase one, the male partner starts threatening the woman and pushing or shoving her around. She responds by trying to please him and keep him calm. It doesn't work. In phase two, the man begins to abuse the woman physically and/or sexually. Her life is in danger. In phase three, the abuser apologizes and tearfully promises to mend his ways. And he does--just long enough to get the woman home again.

You may doubt or regret leaving your partner, Watson says. But any woman who is battered must reconcile herself to the reality that it is very unlikely that a man who abuses women will change.

Leave guilt to the guy who abused you. Everyone talks about what a wonderful, nurturing resource a family can be, but few dwell on how destructive it is when one member is abusive.

Don't feel guilty for "breaking up the family" if you leave an abuser, doctors say. The abuser broke it up long before you ever made a move, so let him bear the burden of guilt, not you.